Monthly focus: health and learning

Over the past month, I haven't really been thinking about what the next step should be; instead, I’m still on the path: focusing on what I actually need in the moment. I’m taking care of my health, I’ve gone back to school, and I try to give myself permission every day not to respond to everything with an instantly ready-made plan. That part is the hardest. Over the years, I’ve realized that for me, over-planning often isn't about organization, but rather a desire for security.

Still, I haven't completely abandoned my old ways; there are a few half-formed thoughts, ideas, invitations, and even a job offer from Malta (I won't deny it's tempting). I haven't been there in years, but I hope that changes this year. I’ve planned to go almost every year, but for some reason, most of the time I failed. I don’t have a concrete plan this time either, but a solid outline and a network of friends that ensures it will always remain a sort of second home to me. It was home to a past version of me; it’s hard to shed that part of oneself, though, truth be told, I don’t really want to. Mela.

For a long time, I believed that security came from plans; I didn't mind obsessing over hypothetical scenarios because I didn't realize it was okay to trust the unknown. Perhaps I understand religions, or even cults, a little better now; they all likely have their own kind of magic. In any case, I’ve turned that faith inward a bit more lately, and more recently towards crows. Ha, that’s a story for another time, I think.

Now comes the part I like to call self-care: the choice not to try and anticipate every situation. And certainly not to control them, though control was never really my thing anyway. We’ve long known that some things are simply unavoidable; good to approach them with open eyes, curiosity, and genuine interest. Not every experience will be earth-shattering, but that mindset itself can serve as a strong backbone throughout. It doesn’t matter whether you’re facing new things, places, and situations, or something you thought you got away with a long time ago. If the experience itself matters, rather than just seeking the quickest fix or trying to get the whole thing over with in a rush, then a great deal can unfold beautifully along the way.

The experience of having both need and opportunity arise simultaneously is slowly becoming the norm. They say that where there is need, there is help, or perhaps more aptly, where there is compulsion, there is solution. It’s also worth it, whenever the chance arises, go and rest, really try to make time for it. I recently heard someone say they’ve been eating while standing up for six years because that’s all the time they have. I respect those who love the hustle, sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done, but I still wish for everyone to be able to handle basic things, like eating, in the calmest possible circumstances. I don’t want to get into a deep analysis of who starts with what advantages (though I’d ​​actually be happy to dive into the ugly side of things) so I won’t question here whether mindfulness and health are or not fundamental rights. Opportunities to learn might exist in more situations than we realise, even missed chances are part of the game. But that wasn’t the issue in the case I mentioned earlier, so I’ll leave it at that.

I think it’s fantastic if someone has the capacity to make a plan, but there is absolutely no need to force it desperately. Some kind of opportunity or open door usually appears along the way, wherever we happen to be. A bit of awareness and finding a safe, happy middle ground can’t hurt, the rest tends to fall into place nicely.

There is still room to strive for a sense of being true to oneself. You don’t need to know everything in advance; it’s perfectly fine to take your time in various situations. Uncertainty isn’t a bad thing; health truly matters, whereas over-planning doesn’t. You can leave doors open and sometimes simply let life unfold. For a long time, I thought I was just being thorough. Now I see that I was merely trying to shield myself from uncertainty by preparing for every eventuality.

When I first read through this draft, my initial thought was: "What do I mean, I’m advocating for 'laziness'?" Then came the liberating realization that it is perfectly okay to simply be sometimes. In the past, the very idea would send me into a near-panic. I could only allow myself to truly rest and do nothing if I had a valid reason, if I was sick, completely exhausted, or if those around me agreed that I had earned it. It was as if slowing down were something that had to be merited. Fortunately, I’ve since realized that this isn't what healthy living looks like. As I mentioned earlier, that old voice still pops up, often before anyone else’s, but it certainly doesn’t have the final say anymore. I still have to remind myself that rest isn’t a reward; it is a perfectly normal human need.

I used to struggle to understand people who were able to slow down. I thought they were missing something, perseverance, a sense of responsibility, or ambition. They even used to irritate me; wow, how annoying that dawdling could be. Then I realized it was simply that I hadn't allowed myself the kind of inner calm they had long since found. It’s not called laziness; it’s called inner security. And that is something I am only just learning now.

Let me say this one more time so those in the back row can hear it: it is perfectly fine to change direction, even while you’re already moving. Whenever possible, decide for yourself where to place your focus; it doesn’t even have to be a move that makes sense to others. Whenever possible, allow yourself to rest, it doesn’t have to be tied to productivity. I have my own intense periods, too; I’ll be spending both this summer and the autumn learning a language, plus the idea of ​​further training is already stirring in the back of my mind.

In the past, I would have had a much more precise plan by now, complete with alternatives and Plan Bs. Now, however, there is a profound sense of acceptance and relief in not needing to know everything in advance. And yet, I used to feel so secure when I was efficiently over-planning. These are strange realizations, even when the subject has been on your mind for a while. All these layers and depths... it’s certainly a winding road. But then comes that favorite truism: something is bound to happen anyway. Things always work out somehow, and for now, it’s enough to just let life carry me where it wants to go for a while. I took these photos above the clouds during my vacations last year; may those same winds carry me now, even as my path leads only to the school desk.

Picking up from here,

Ivett